SOS
by Lady.Bronte
Summary: Jim, remind me again, why exactly are you wearing leopard underwear and singing Dancing Queen?"


Hey guys! This is my first fan fic in two years! I started a new account and here I am!

**_WARNING:_**If you are not familiar with ABBA or at least with Mamma Mia, you're going to be confused to the point of implosion. Foul language is used (once) as well.

Also, props to anyone who can find the Ninja Turtles movie reference (the ancient 1990 version)!

I'm open to any criticism! Please review and let me know if I did alright.

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Bones couldn't quite comprehend the moment Jim Kirk ran past sickbay singing at the top of his lungs but he tried to ignore it anyway, hoping it had just been an anomaly of his imagination. None the less, he couldn't nottake notice of his Captain when he slid into the infirmary on his knees, singing Voulez Vous like a hundred thousand Tribbles squished into a Jefferies tube on crack.

"Err, Jim?" Bones said, scratching the back of his head. The rest of sick bay was awkwardly silent, staring unabashed at the Captain who was now upon his feet, apparently trying to salsa, "Uh, whatcha' doing?"

"Dancing." Jim replied, his voice half an octave higher than it should have been. Bones bit his lip, too flabbergasted to do anything else. He decided to take the casual approach.

"Is this a new hobby of yours?" Bones asked, taking a step forward. He motioned to the nearest nurse who was tending to an engineer with a burnt arm and beckoned her to come closer, "Get a tranquilizing hypo. I'll handle this," he whispered quickly. The nurse scuttled away and Bones took another step closer to Jim. The entire scene had passed unnoticed to the young Captain who was now standing on a sickbed, gyrating and singing (or rather screeching) Dancing Queen.

"DANCING QUEEN! FEEL THE BEAT ON THE TAMBOURINE OOOOO YEAAAAAAHHHHH!" Jim sprung across to an injured Ensign's bed, swiped his cap and placed it crookedly upon his head. Then he jumped back onto the floor, did the shimmy and then booked it out the door again, swinging his arms over his head with vigour as he skipped away.

Sickbay remained silent for a good long time. It wasn't until the nurse returned, holding the hypo out to Bones that he broke the dumbfounded silence.

"What the fuck was that?!"

ð

Uhura glanced around, unsure of what she should do next. _Was that actually Chekov or am I still dreaming?_ It was technically night time on the Enterprise and she was promptly awakened when she heard someone singing away in the hallway. She scampered out of bed, ran to the door and peeked her head out into the hallway just as Chekov's brown curls disappeared behind the corner. She wasn't sure of the song he had been singing but the tune had been awfully catchy, enough to stick in her head as she contemplated whether to go after the youthful ensign.

Shaking the sleep away, Uhura tied her chestnut hair into a low ponytail and started down the hall, wrapping her shawl around her bare shoulders. She was only wearing a pair of shorts and a tank and felt a little naked outside of her quarters but was unconcerned since most of the Enterprise was sleeping.

Or so she thought.

ð

Sulu grunted as he was jostled from his dreams. Somebody was singing outside his quarters and he wasn't particularly pleased about it. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and stared grudgingly at his door, contemplating on whether to get up or not. _Is this some kind of joke?_The voice of the serenade was unmistakable and Sulu stomped to his door, clad in nothing but cotton pants.

"MY LOVE IS STONG ENOUGH, TO LAST WHEN THINGS ARE ROUGH, ITS MAAAAAGIIIC!" Pavel Chekov sung on one knee, his eyes twinkling. Sulu nearly swallowed his tongue. But before Sulu went into cardiac arrest, another voice joined in on the clamour and rushed around the bend in the hall, looking just as twinkly.

"C-c-captain?" Sulu stuttered, staring wild-eyed at his boss as he and Chekov ran off hand in hand down the corridor. As their crooning waned in the hallway, Uhura ran around the bend and screeched to a halt at the sight of Sulu.

"Did...did you just see that?" Sulu asked, his eyes wide enough to rival the circumference of Saturn. He stepped out into the hallway where Pavel had just been serenading him and stared blatantly at the floor.

"Yeah," Uhura replied, feeling a little befuddled. _So it wasn't just my imagination that saw Jim Kirk skipping down the hall in his underwear singing about giving him a man after midnight?_

"Should we go after them?" Sulu enquired, finally looking up at Uhura and still looking utterly bewildered. He ran his hand through his hair and motioned with his hand in the direction that they went.

"Definitely."

ð

Spock was up on the bridge after being unable to sleep. He would have meditated so that he was well rested for the next day but a nagging desire to finish his analysis on the virus he had encountered on their last away mission caused him to find his way back to his post on the bridge. He was examining the psycho-effects of the virus when the doors of the bridge swished open. If he wasn't so Vulcan he would have been startled but his stoic exterior didn't give his surprise away. However, he hadn't been prepared for what would come out of the doors and couldn't quite hide his utter bewilderment at the sight of his Captain and the Enterprise's young navigator.

Jim Kirk, complete in a gold sequined belly top and bright red platform shoes strutted onto the bridge, with his glittery bodysuit-clad navigator behind him. Jim hopped upon his chair and wiggled his leopard print covered butt singing at the top of his lungs.

"SUPER TROOPER LIGHTS ARE GONNA FIND ME, SHINING LIKE THE SUN!" The light came on at that moment, recognizing the command within the lyrics and Spock's eyes were immediately assaulted by the excessive sparkles reflecting off their clothing. Chekov leaped onto his station and gyrated his hips causing sparkles to fly everywhere.

Spock, unable to unglue his eyes from the potentially offensive clothing, gaped at the twosome like a deathly space anomaly; with both fear and immense deliberation. It was at that moment that Jim noticed the presence of his First officer and skipped over to him with glee in his glimmering eyes.

"CHIQUITITA TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG? I HAVE NEVER SEEN SUCH SORROW!"

"IIIIIIIEIEIEN YOUR EYES AND THE VEDDING IS TOMORROV!"

Spock wasn't quite sure how to respond to the two men, kneeling in front of him like lovesick puppies on crack covered in glitter and sequins. Therefore he was quite relieved when Sulu and Uhura burst onto the bridge with the chief medical officer in tow.

All three of them froze at the sight before them. Then Bones started laughing.

"D'you-haaahahahaaa-see the look-gwfwuaaahaahahaha-on Spock's face? HaaahahahaHAHAhaaha!"

Spock didn't appear too amused as he glared at the CMO who was now doubled over on the floor, laughing like a bumbling idiot. Sulu couldn't help but crack a smile as he watched Spock, frozen is his chair, being serenaded by the two obviously brainwashed men singing about chiquititas and getting married.

"Do you think they might be drunk?" Uhura asked, trying to keep herself composed. She couldn't help the creeping smirk on her face and Spock peered sidelong at her, clearly exasperated.

"No way," Bones replied, recovering from his laughing fit, "I've been drinking with Jim enough times to know that he doesn't skip around in drag and sing ABBA."

"You are aware of the origins of these lyrics?" Spock implored. He didn't have enough sarcasm in him at the moment to joke around and call it music.

"Yeah, it's ABBA. They're an old band from the late 20th century, really popular back then. I was playing their music when you three came in after the away mission..." Something seemed to have struck Bones as he said this because he got to his feet and started tapping away on his scanning device, his brow furrowed in concentration.

"CHIQUITITA YOU AND I CRYYYYYYYYYYYYY BUT THE SUN IS STILL IN THE SKY AND SHINING ABOVE YOUUUUUU!" Jim and Chekov continued their estranged duet, howling like enraged space beasts being beaten with tigers and Sulu clamped his hands over his ears, cringing and laughing hysterically at the same time. Jim and Pavel got to their feet and started a choreographed dance around the bridge, leaping over stations and dry-humping chairs. Jim did a Russian split in the air and landed in the arms of his Russian songmate, swiftly breaking into Waterloo before commencing a complicated spinning sequence. Jim kicked his bright red sparkly boots in the air as they wailed away.

"VATERLOO! I VAS DEFEATED, YOU VON THE VAR!"

"WATERLOO! PROMISE TO LOVE YOU FOREVERMORE!"

"Look McCoy, I don't know how much longer I can take this singing. At this rate, the entire Enterprise will be awake." Uhura yelled over the screeching, sticking her fingers in her ears, "How can you listen to this voluntarily?"

Bones scoffed as he continued tapping into his device, feeling a little insulted, "They're a classic. Like Bizet or The Beatles, they shaped their era and changed the face of music and history."

"And they dressed like that?" Sulu grinned, watching his Captain attempt to pole dance on a support post. It was not a pretty sight, "Thank god I didn't live back then."

"Unfortunately they did." Bones grumbled, glaring at the device in his hands. Spock strode over to him, a device in his own hands, clearly intent on getting to the bottom of his superior's strange behaviour.

"I have analyzed the data from the virus that the Captain, Ensign Chekov and I were exposed to. It appears to affect the central lobe of the human brain, interrupting proper thought forming processes and deeply engages the perception of music within the brain. After being exposed, the first music that they heard embedded itself into their system and they have now been consumed by it." Spock stated, staring down the doctor with increased scrutiny, "Are you aware of a potential antidote to this illness?"

"Gimme a minute you pointy-eared hobgoblin," Bones muttered, still pounding away at his device. Spock tried not to look insulted. He liked his pointy ears; he thought they made him look especially debonair and sophisticated. A little wiggle and he could make any woman fall to their knees. Or so he'd like to think.

"Ah ha!" Bones exclaimed with enthusiasm, finally staring up at Spock, "They need 500ml each or jurgyroot extract, some vextolin and some damn duct tape for their mouths." He pulled out his communicator and barked some orders to a nurse down in sickbay before continuing, "It's gonna take a while before they stop singing though, at least a week."

"You're kidding me right?" Sulu panted, still recovering from laughing, "I signed up to be a pilot, not to endure karaoke night for a week thank you very much. I had enough of that back at the Academy." Sulu swallowed heavily as he got lost in a bunch of painful flashbacks, all including Britney Spears and inconceivable amounts of tequila.

"Can I submit my letter of resignation?" Uhura joked, glancing over at Chekov who was now standing on the Captain's chair, ballading Jim who was prancing about below him singing back-up.

"THE VINNER TAKES IT ALLLLLL! THE LOSER STANDING SMALLLLLL!" He stumbled over and landed on Jim with an oof and they quickly picked themselves up again, spinning with their arms entwined so fast that it made Uhura nauseous just looking at them.

"I'm here Dr. McCoy," a nurse cried out, emerging onto the bridge with an armful of hypos. He grabbed half of them and assessed the two infected songbirds before sighing.

"Too bad damn pointy-ears over here wasn't infected. Now that would have been funny."

ð

**One week later...**

"Honey honey how he thrills me, uh-huh honey honey..." Jim hummed, unable to remember how he knew all the words to songs he had never heard of. He glanced around the bridge at the faces who looked utterly alarmed as he hummed away and it bothered Jim to know end. It almost felt as if they knew something he didn't.

"I thought McCoy said the effects of the virus would be gone by now," Uhura muttered, rolling her chair over to Spock's station. He glanced up towards the Captain who was staring back at him suspiciously.

"Perhaps Dr. McCoy's approximation was not accurate," Spock replied softly, tapping something into his console. Uhura stared at him sceptically, suppressing the urge to say "DUH" and rolled back to her own station. She leant her face onto her hand and tried to tune out the ABBA songs that were now permanently revolving in her head thanks to her captain and navigator. She closed her eyes and tried to drown it out with the Andorian gossip floating through space and into her earphones but to no avail, even though Ambassador Imke supposedly slept with a Klingon. Yuck.

Looking up from his station, Sulu glanced over at Chekov and couldn't help but visualize the scarring image of the navigator humping a chair in a sparkly Elvis bodysuit. Unceremoniously, he started laughing hysterically.

"Vat's so funny?" Chekov pouted, quite frustrated with Sulu's random and uproarious outbursts. He swung around to face his Captain who was looking just as puzzled. On the other hand, the entire bridge (save Spock of course) was giggling as well, "Is this some inside joke vere not getting?"

The giggles died down as Jim raised his hand, his facial expression now ponderous, "You know, the other night I had a dream-"

"No!"

Jim looked up towards Uhura who had both her arms raised in panic, "Please! Please don't sing anymore!"

"What are you talking about?" Jim questioned, looking at her with a hint of accusation in his expression. He got to his feet and pointed at her dramatically, "What's the name of the game you're play-"

"Please no!" Sulu exclaimed, pressing his hands over his ears.

"Really guys, I don't think ve understand what you're talking about. Are ve not allowed to know? Cause you can let us know you know, just take a chance on me-"

"SHUT UP!" The entire bridge bellowed, knocking both Jim and Chekov right back in their seats.

"What?" Both Jim and Chekov cried out, sharing a glace between them. The people on the bridge glanced around to one another, unsure of what to do. They could show the Captain the surveillance tape that caught their glittery, flamboyant dancing or they could never tell them, keep all the copies under lock and key and hold a movie night a year or so from now. The crew unanimously decided on the latter.

"Perhaps," Spock said, raising an eyebrow conspicuously, "We'll let you know when all is said and done."

And so, as the bridge laughed away merrily because Spock made a funny, the Enterprise continued flying towards its missions to seek out new life forms and civilizations and go where no man had gone before.

And if were a television show (which would obviously be illogical) the credits would role in right about now.

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Yay! Please review! I want to know how I did!

ABBA songs used in this story:

Voulez Vous  
Dancing Queen  
Take a Chance on Me  
Gimme Gimme Gimme (A Man After Midnight)  
Super Trouper  
Chiquitita  
Waterloo  
The Winner Takes It All  
Honey, Honey  
I Have a Dream (I had to change it to "had" for grammatical purposes)  
What's the Name of the Game  
When All is Said and Done

Woo that's a lot!

Love and fluff, Brontë


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